Life Lesson and Spring

In the past I've always been somewhat impartial to spring. It was my second favorite season, but more by default than anything. I hate summer. Winter has its moments of calm. Autumn just effing rocks. But this year spring seems to be pushing ahead in the race.

I was explain to my fiance a couple of months ago how much i was looking forward to spring. how life just seems so open right now and how i am genuinely happy for the first time in a very long time. I can't explain it really, my emotions and feelings towards life, other than to say it is similar to the way nature views spring. My fiance summed it up and explained that I'm "in the spring of my life". That i have hit that new beginning stage.

and inside I'm all rainbows and butterflies and fresh green grass between your toes.

however, recently things have been rough. i guess it the frost of my life. a bunch of stress and "how's" and "whatifs" and such. and I'm not the only one dealing with the crappiness of life at the moment. it gets overwhelming and hard to keep any focus on anything positive.

so the other day i picked up another book. probably one of about five i am reading at the moment. I'm reading Grace (Eventually) by Anne Lamont. I'm no where near finished with it. but the first or second chapter really hit a note in me. the kind that turns light bulbs on and re- centers your world. She's talked about how it's not faith in God that is hard to come by but the waiting on God that is the killer. And its true. We want a vending machine answer to out prayers. Please press G6 for a new car, A3 for happiness. ploop boom there you go.

That's not what got to me though. It was when she was talking about the ability to let go. We think of letting go in only of terms of people and habits that are bad for us. But the things that our bad for us run deeper than that. She had used the visual with young kids to demonstrate her point.... she held two markers, one in each hand and asked the kids that if she wanted to get something to drink what she would have to do. Well, she would have to put them down...let go of them. Because if you keep holding on to something you aren't even allowing yourself the place or ability to grab onto something new. and i have realized with with my negative stressful attitude. granted i can't really control anxiety attacks and i can't immediately change my way of thinking i have at least finally understood that things won't get better if i keep gripping on to these negatives in my life, my worries, like the jaws of life. and yeah when i finally uncurl my fingers from their grips and loosen out the cramps and knots in the muscle there will be a time when i won't be holding on to anything. and that's when i need to learn to deal with the waiting. because as long as i learn to wait and not fall back into the habit of holding on to things then i am giving myself the opportunity.

so the lesson of the story is that you can only hold on for so long, afterwards give to God and let him deal with it and have patience